"I don't know where I'm goin...but I sure know where I've been...."

Alternative title: Code Red ABORT ABORT aahhhhhhrrrgggghhhh

Today I rode the Beautiful American River Bike trail! It was everything I wanted to be. Except for the crazy ending. When I screw up, I do it RIGHT.  

The first thing you should know is that I am terrible at math. I did 5 miles around my neighborhood the other day, right? To me this meant I could now do 5 miles on the Beautiful American River trail.

RONG. A smart person would say start over on a new trail and work your way up again. The terrain is different, you're not used to a lot of hills and gear changes. Well I know that now, and I was majestically, gigantically, Queen at Wembley Stadium wrong. Today I learned from my mistakes. All 987 of them. 

First mistake was leaving the car at work and riding 1/2 a mile downhill to the trail entrance. Smart people know that this means I would then have to ride half a mile UP hill when I was done. When you're not very smart, these kinds of sensible thoughts only occur to you later. It's fun being me. 

The trail itself was AWESOME. I've been raving about wanting to ride it for a reason. It's so beautiful and scenic and quiet. I used to work in a building right next to the trail on the shore of Lake Natomas. I loved walking there on my breaks, so riding the trail is a great excuse to go there regularly again.

At first I had a had a grand old time whizzing down hills & practicing my gear changes uphill, it was cool! I literally laughed out loud a couple of times going down hill, it felt so good. I had ridden about 15 to 20 minutes and decided to stop at my favorite picnic bench near my old workplace to have some water & catch my breath a little. That should have been my sign to stop, or maybe take an easier route back to the main road.

Instead I kept going. Big mistake. My plan was to take it easy but when there's a hill at every turn, frumpy old me still has to exert my out of shape ass somewhat, even in a low gear. By the time I hit the final climb to the main road, which was quite steep for me, my breathing was rapid & very heavy so I got off and walked. But as I was waiting for the traffic light, still breathing heavily and sweating, my vision started to swim and go dark around the edges and I was all hmmm yeah think I will sit down on this rock and catch my breath RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Now I was panicking, which wasn't helping the whole slow-down-your-breathing. I drank some water, tried to regulate my breathing and just focused on calming down and pray that I wasn't about to go blind or faint or something really stupid.

This is the part where parking closer to the trail would have made things a lot easier. Instead, I had a long steady climb back to the office ahead of me & there was no WAY I was riding it. 

Just crossing the road was hilarious. Once I had calmed down and was able to get back on my feet again, I gingerly started walking my bike across four lanes of traffic,  and I'm barely halfway across when the green man has turned to flashing red man, and there's a car waiting to turn right and the driver is just staring at me like MOVE YOUR ASS FFS and I wanted to yell THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO WITHOUT PASSING OUT  and I secretly wanted to cry a little bit but I didn't because I'm not a goddamn baby :)

I sat down again after crossing the road and eventually I worked myself up to walking my bike back to the office. I chose a more indirect route with less of an incline & lots of shady grassy spots to sit & rest along the way.  (With all this sitting down I discovered when I got home that I had sat in gum at some point on my adventure. #blessed). You'll be happy to know that I eventually made it back to the car.

So that was my first day on the Beautiful American River bike trail. Fun, huh? 

I know some nice kindhearted people will say don't beat yourself up (and I know some people are laughing their ass off at me) but I think a little bit of reprimanding is called for, because shit got kind of extreme for a moment there. And it didn't have to. I am an unfit frumpy lady. I need to work up to that level of exertion -- I'm not ready for prime time yet and I know it! I could have avoided that whole dramatic finale by being just a little bit smarter. Sure, it's great to want to do this for fun but there have to be some sensible decisions being made. Who the hell's driving this machine? 
So I will take this experience to heart and learn from my mistakes. 

Lessons:

• HY. DRATE. HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE! Before, during and after. I didn't do much hydrating beforehand which was probably one of my crucial early mistakes. Given the change in terrain, hydrating more beforehand would be wise.
• Eat something sensible. A handful of pretzels half an hour before the ride probably not the best choice. Work on that.
• TAKE IT EASY! Start out slooooooooowly you stubborn noob. Jeez louise.
• Ride an easy part of the trail for a while first. 
• Listen to your body. You're not in the Tour de France, you're in the Tour de Frump so don't push exhaustion.
• When in doubt: stop! Best part of the Tour de Frump is it's not a race, and I can stop whenever I want. 
• Park close to the trail!!!
• Oh and bring a towel next time, Sweaty McSweaterton. 

On a final note, when I got in the car to drive home, I turned on the radio and the tail end of Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again'  was playing on Jack FM. I laughed and turned it up...and THEN...they played it again! It's a robot station, they never repeat songs!!  I had no choice but to take it as a sign. 

Thank you David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen for watching over me. 
OOOH LORD I PRAY YOU'LL GIVE ME STRENGTH TO CARRY ON
BUT I KNOW WHAT IT MEEAAAAAAAANS
TO WALK ALONG, THE LONELY STREET OF DREAMS

Frump Out. <3