It's Been A Looooong Road...Gettin From There To Here...

Aaaaand we're back.

You thought I'd blown this whole thing off, huh? You wouldn't have been wrong to think that, I bail on almost everything that I start, I'm not offended. But I have a legitimate excuse! I somehow managed to fuck up my shoulder somehow (old / out of shape / beating up ninjas - take your pick)
It took a little while to get it back to normal and then it was hot as balls and no-one wants to ride when it's 105, especially not fatty-boom-bah me.  But you can't keep a good frump down! I'm 100% back and the weather has cooled down a LOT so I'm ready to frump like it's 1999.

Tonight was my first ride out on the trail after what? Almost 2 months? Dang. But the good thing about riding a bike is it's like riding a bike. Hee.

Sorry.

The first little downhill approach of the trail I was giggling like a little kid at the cool wind blowing in my face. It's reassuring that that is still THE best feeling ever.

Nothing really super noteworthy about the ride unless you want to know how many times I thought I might almost die climbing insignificant hills (3) and how many times I thought I was going to slip my chain because I caught myself shifting gears like a chimpanzee with attention deficit disorder (2) and how many times I stopped because I was pooped (1).... and how many times I grinned like a make-a-wish kid (I lost count). It felt so good!

While I have mastered the front wheel removal like a freaking PRO (not really but I'm pretty good at it) I think I managed to nudge my brake clamp somehow because now one of the front pads is rubbing on my wheel and it was making a faint but annoying noise for the whole ride and I don't think kicking it back into place will help so I'll just glare and uselessly poke at it til I can figure out how to adjust it.

I did manage to see not one, not two, but THREE sets of wildlife on my ride today. I was like Snow White in the forest, it was super cool.

• One (1) deer, chilling in a clearing chomping on a low hanging tree branch. It totally clocked me and didn't even run away. So awesome! It was just like, "'Sup Sharon" and I was like "'Sup Deer"
• Two (2) grey squirrels, fat fluffy ones not those mangy looking scrawny brown ones you see downtown. And they also didn't even move when I went by. "'Sup Sharon', "'Sup Squirrels"
• Five (5) quail. I've never seen quail before, they're adorable! They wiggled their way across the trail in front of me like little windup toys and they were so cute that I laughed out loud. But they had already scurried away when I went past so I didn't get to say "'Sup"

All in all a pretty fun ride. I'll probably go again tomorrow night since the weather's pretty cool right now and it's going to warm up on Friday.

I'll leave you with my jubilant return theme song (hold those lighters up nice and high)

Frump out, xo

I'm a Loner, Dottie...

Not a very exciting update today, just doin' my baby steps :)

Did a little bit of casual riding this weekend. Found a quieter way to enjoy the neighborhood with 75% bike paths. Really only a 20 minute ride but it's pleasant and it's just enough to tide me over. I'm hoping to hit the trail a few times this week, if all goes to plan.

I performed my first bit of bike surgery yesterday. My seat was still really uncomfortable in the forward region, to the point where I couldn't really ignore it. When I first bought Freya she had a narrower contoured seat and I almost immediately hated it, like an almost instant NOPE. Clay's bike had a cushy padded seat, so we swapped, like I think the day I bought it or very close to it.

When I was putting my bike away last night I glanced over at the original seat and all my bicycle rabbit-hole googling paid off: I recognized that it was a Specialized Dolce BG seat --  or in normal person speak, a bike seat designed for women's anatomy. It's narrow, with gel-like padding, and a cutaway in the middle. I figured now that I have padded bike shorts, it was time to give the shunned lady-seat a chance.


So I pulled both bikes out of the garage and set to work. Kind of. I took both seats & seatposts out, and in my absentmindedness thought oh I can just swap them over, seatposts and all. No dumbass. You have to take the seat OFF, and reattach it to your seatpost. Which I knew. Somewhere. That knowledge was probably buried deep in my logical brain under piles of old Mariah Carey song lyrics and 70's tv show theme songs and Looney Tunes cartoons. Good luck finding THAT.

A frustration in my life is that I always overestimate my ability to accomplish basic physical tasks like loosening bolts. It's sad, but I am cursed with tiny baby hands and pasta limbs. I have bucketloads of will and I can visualize what needs to be done but in reality I can't loosen shit for shit. I picture myself with bulging forearms like Rosie the Riveter when in reality I'm a Cabbage Patch doll. If I was on my own I would probably just have banged at the allen key with a hammer til it loosened but I caved and asked Clay instead. Sometimes you just gotta admit defeat.  But it was kinda fun tinkering once the blasted things were loosened, and I got the lady-seat attached & adjusted.

I took it out for a test drive today. I was a bit apprehensive - the padded shorts were still in the wash from yesterday so my only option was to ride pad-less. DUN DUN DUN. 
It wasn't too bad! That's not to say that no-pads don't suck, it totally does suck. But even without pads the seat is a LOT more comfortable in the all-important forward region, 100% improvement there. So that's good. Bit harder on the old bum, for sure, but the padding in the shorts will help there I think.

So that's about all for now. Stay tuned this week for more adventures getting the bike in the car (yay) and hopefully I'll finally achieve my goal of a couple of good satisfying trail rides this week.

But at this point I've accepted the fact that I'm Pee Wee Herman and I'm okay with that.  Ha Ha! 

Frump out. <3

"Ridin' Along On My Pushbike Honey..."

The weather has finally come to its senses THANK GOD.  I know it's summer & I know it's Sacramento but 108 is Phoenix and no one wants to live in Phoenix. 

I took to the trail after work tonight, with pretty good results. I'm logging it as a 'could be better' though - there's a few details that need tweaking. But I did not collapse in a heap on the side of the road this time so let's also note this one as a VICTORY.

I kept the car at work again, even though I swore I wouldn't. This time I took a different trail that picks up not far from work and goes along Folsom Blvd & down to the trail entrance near my old job.

It was lovely, riding-wise. I really do love the feeling once I'm on the bike and going. But on this new route I had to cross two large intersections with traffic lights, stopping for both, both ways. I'm definitely not into the stopping and starting. And adding even a little bit of traffic in the mix, it takes away some of the enjoyment so I don't think I'll take this one again.

Because of the traffic stops, it took a bit longer than I expected to get to the trail entrance & I was very conscious of the fact that I was going to have to turn around and go back almost immediately, or I'd be in the same predicament as last time. But I did take a few minutes to toodle along the lake. It was lovely!

At one point two very fancy cyclists on VERY fancy, Tour De France-looking road bikes whizzed past me & one of them shifted gears and it made this amazing KACHUNK sound & I stared after the shiny frames and big black rims in a sort of confused wonderment.
Allow me to paint you a picture:
You're driving an old Ford Pinto, windows down, radio on, you're going at a good clip, the wind's in your hair and you're having a good time. And then a Tesla zooms past you and you absentmindedly marvel at how shiny and fast it is and how quickly it disappears over the horizon and then it feels like maybe you're going backwards or not moving at all & you suddenly realize how incredibly slow you're going and you can barely conceive of what it must be like to drive such a futuristic machine... basically you feel like Rip Van Winkle waking up from a hundred year nap with birds flying out of your beard. 

Also I saw a tandem bike today. I never understood the appeal and now that I'm riding for recreation I still don't understand. It just seems like an eccentricity for the sake of a spectacle. 

On my way back to the car, I saw a boy take a header off his bike in the middle of a big intersection. I caught up and asked him if he was okay, he said he was fine but his chain had come off, and his friend was helping him put it back on. Since he was ok and he had the chain under control I pushed on (also very conscious that I would be little to no help putting his chain on).

He bloody well jinxed me because 10 minutes later mine came off too.

Okay to be honest it was kind of my own fault so maybe he didn't totally jinx me. He only sort of did.  

Cyclists rarely recommend shifting your big gear and your small gear simultaneously because, well, it's a stupid thing to do. I was climbing my final hill & shifted simultaneously & too quickly with both hands like a moron, the whole thing went CLUNK and I knew exactly what had happened without even looking at it. Dumbass.

By then I was ready to walk so I figured this was just the universe giving me a slightly noble excuse, maybe as an olive branch for last time.  So there was walking AGAIN but it wasn't anything like last time's walk of shame, thank god. And I didn't really even lose my breath (very much).  For the most part it felt pretty good!

I definitely decided that that final stretch back to the office is just too goddamn much for me. That long slight gradient just kiiiiiiiiills my fat ass on the bike.  So I'm just going to start from the trailhead next time, and see if that works out better. 

I definitely need an odometer or something to clock my miles & time. 

Oh...I had another ridiculously stupid tango with the bike again trying to get it in the car. I know, I know. I should have this down by now. I just couldn't get it to go! I got so frustrated that I figured I'd just concede defeat and remove the front wheel. I got the pin out and then discovered I needed to loosen the brake clamp to let the wheel go free. No allen key meant no means of loosening the brake clamp which meant i had to put the wheel back together and try AGAIN to get the dumb bike in the dumb car without breaking the bike, the car or me. 

I told Clay about my uncoordinated adventures and we decided that if I am still riding in October, we will invest in a bike rack for the car. Anyone who has known me for any length of time will know that I am very, very VERY prone to terrifying whirlwind obsessions that come and go like summer thunderstorms. Cycling being a rather expensive obsession, it's wise to exercise some financial caution; especially since we know how my last cycling obsession turned out.

But overall, I'm still enjoying myself immensely and the challenges are yet to deter me.

And as a final passing thought, I will say that the thing I'm really enjoying about riding is that it's a very mindful form of recreation. It's not like walking where you can listen to music and/or daydream. With cycling you have to be 100% present at all times. You can't listen to music because it's illegal and dangerous. I wondered early on if that would become a dealbreaker for me, but so far it hasn't been at all. I don't even notice. Focusing my attention on how I'm riding, how I'm feeling, on my breathing or my gear changes or possible traffic ahead or behind me...I think this kind of mindfulness is healthy for me, my brain was getting kind of sluggish and easily distracted. And it's not exhausting...it's sort of zen? I dunno. I sound like a big dumb hippy.

The Mixtures song explains it better.

I Can Show You The Woooooorrrrld

Since I won't be riding for a few days I figured I'd put up an extra bonus post.

Even though my blog was inspired by the Tour de France, it occurred to me that I haven’t talked about it much, except for Peter Sagan <3 

Here he is with Tour champion Chris Froome & runner-up Nairo Quintana pretending his trophy is a gun O_o

 I love the look on Froome's face, like ‘Aw. They’re so cute at that age.’

As a newcomer to the Tour de France, I've been pleasantly surprised by how exciting it is (No shade intended, cyclists). I’m not sure what I thought it was going to be like ... I guess I just thought that road racing would be more like the cycling version of golf, all quiet and polite and kinda boring. (Shade intended, golfers). But it's actually really rad! It’s like a travel documentary and a soap opera combined; The Young and the Exhausted 

I know this makes me sound like an old lady but thing that drew me in first was the scenery.  (You would have thought butts in lycra right? Not this time, surprisingly. Close second though.)

Stage 4 was when I really started to get hooked. They were riding through these rustic French farmlands, bouncing down crazy dusty cobblestone roads.  When I heard ‘cobblestones’ I pictured something more like the old bluestone alleyways in Melbourne, like solid sections of cobbles. But these are old, old roads, where the cobblestones are buried in the dirt and it’s like riding over rocks. Craziness!  The dust clouds as they barrel along, the riders grimacing as they hold on for dear life praying that their teeth don't fall out of their head; and then hitting the normal wide roads in a mad dash between each cobble section, try to grab the slightest lead before hammering back onto another boneshaking cobble road. SEVEN times. It was fascinating!

 

And it seemed like everywhere they went was a page from a French tourism calendar. At one point I pondered an alternative Tour De France that’s only the ugly parts, behind factories and abbatoirs, along dirty industrial canals and along railway lines. But knowing France they're all old-timey and cool looking anyway, jerks.

But yeah, the beautiful scenery just would not quit. Along the coast, huge white cliffs off in the distance as they roll into beautiful little seaside towns; then rolling farmlands, then vineyards; French Revolution-era mansions; medieval castles. Postcard city! Everywhere so beautiful and breathtaking. The best is the villages along the way,  everything's a billion years old and there’s people standing outside shops and houses, townspeople, cycling nerds, little kids and grownups, everyone waving and cheering.

Things started to get pretty intense once they moved up into the Pyrenees for the beginning of the mountain stages. I thought the flat stages were exciting enough, but oh man, the mountains were something else. Again with the incredible scenery of course; but my interest in the race itself cranked up too because, y'know, The Agony and the Ecstasy of it all. Watching the riders face hours of grueling climbing and descending in a single day, sometimes thousands of feet of climbing (I mean, they’re actual mountains, these aren’t just hills), only to go to bed wake up and do it over again…and again…and again. And the guy who wins one mountain stage might not win tomorrow or even place in the top 10 because he's so bloody gassed from going all-out. And it's not like the sprinters get to jump in a car and get driven over the mountains, they're riding too, usually somewhere in the back trying not to collapse in a puddle of woe. AND: you can't just take your time if you're chilling in the last group of riders. Even the slowies have to make the finish-line by a certain cut-off; so you might have to stay within, say 20 minutes of the leader, for example. If you lag beyond that you get eliminated from the Tour. It's brutal! 

And oh by the way once they’re finished with the Pyrenees oh hey we’re going to go and ride over the BLOODY FRENCH BLOODY ALPS. With barely any flatland in between the two sets of mountains. These guys! They’re machines of muscle and adrenalin and crazy. It’s amazing to watch.

 

If someone made me ride up a mountain (let alone a bloody hill) I’d a) cry and b) no seriously I would lay down on the ground and cry until they removed me. 

Being new to cycling (and regular exercise, let's be real), and witnessing all this in the Tour de France, I am completely in awe of the level of endurance. Even the guy who finishes last: that guy is last in a pool of 160 of the best riders in the world. The amount of stamina it takes to complete ONE of those mountain stages, let alone a flat stage, let alone get a stage win, let alone win or get a podium spot in the Tour overall? It’s staggering.

But after all the blood sweat and tears in the mountains, it's Bonjour Paris for the final stage. It was pouring rain when they got there - apparently they hadn't had rain on the final stage of the tour since 1977, and everyone was freaked out. But with good reason: the women raced earlier in the day around the Champs D'Elysee in the pouring rain and there were SO many horrible crashes, carnage everywhere.  The guys were apparently watching on their team buses and were like “O fuck", so when they started their tour through the forest on the outskirts of Paris, up to the Paris Observatory and then down into the Champs D'Elysee, it was slow and steady like a parade, they weren't racing at all really. 

 

But even with the rain and the slowness, the Paris stage was still cool. Because once they hit the Champs D’Elysee and are cruising around the Arc d’ Triomphe you kind of want to cry at the symbolism and the history and the beauty of it all; but also how exhilarating it must be for them to be riding there in that moment. Fighting your way up and down mountains and now suddenly being celebrated in the most beautiful city in the world, everyone waving and cheering. As you can tell I got a bit emo over the whole scene. It was nice! 

So they do laps of the Champs and the rain has cleared up and the sun's coming out and voila, the cobblestones are dry so at the end of the last lap, the sprinters race to win the final stage which is fun, who doesn’t love a good sprint…and Andre Greipel, the German locomotive with a hematoma under his kneecap that ONLY HURTS WHEN HE PEDALS wins the sprint in majestic fashion. Dude is like a cannonball on the sprints, what a beast. So great!

Chris Froome was the overall winner (yellow jersey), Nairo Quintana came second and also won the white jersey for being the best young rider, and my boyfriend Peter Sagan got the green jersey because he's the most handsome...er I mean because he got the most points.  The riders are fascinating to me. The rider who came in second, Nairo Quintana is a 24 year-old from Columbia – you have never seen anyone climb a mountain with the beauty and ease that this guy has. It’s incredible! He doesn’t grimace or anything, it’s like watching a dancer. I never knew cycling could be so beautiful. This is a video of Nairo in action, it's pretty cool:

One of my favorite riders, just for sheer perseverance was Jean-Christophe Peraud, the 38 year old veteran – he famously crashed in front of his family in 2013 and had to leave the tour; he came in second in the Tour last year;  this year he crashed horribly in Stage 13, skidding across the road & turning his arm into mincemeat,  but even though he was covered in blood and looked like a Walking Dead extra, he got back on the bike, brought water for the rest of his team up ahead AND not only finished the stage but the entire Tour, crossing the mountains wrapped in bandages like a total badass. Talk about tough.

What I love the most is that the Tour is a combination of individual effort and team effort. Even though there are individual winners of stages, and winners for the most points, and cute rockstar riders,no rider wins the tour on his own; you are only as good as the team that's supporting you. The way the best teams work together to support each other is fascinating to watch. It reminds me of football a bit. At first you just see the flashy stuff, the quarterback throwing the touchdown and the receiver making the catch. But after a while you see the way the team works around the quarterback to give him time to throw the ball; the blocks that have to be made so that the receiver can get down the field and get into position. Cycling or football, the teamwork still works on the same level: the best teammates sacrifice without ego, and the best stars of those teams have the humility to know they didn't get there alone. They're also the rarest.

Okay now I'm talking football and we're veering into Rime of the Ancient Mariner epic poem blog post territory. So I'll call it quits.

Au revoir. Trump Out. <3

Ooh: PS: here are some fun facts I discovered while reading about the history of the Tour De France:

The winner's Yellow jersey is yellow because that was the color newsprint used by the newspaper Le Velo that started the first Tour De France in 1903.

The Green Jersey was first awarded in 1953 and is green because it was originally sponsored by a lawn mower company, La Belle Jardiniere.

My Padded Bike Shorts Bring All The Boys To The Yard

Exciting times in Frumpville - my shiny new padded bike shorts arrived in the mail this weekend. I ended up going with Aero Tech Classic Padded Bike Shorts (shown here on someone who appears to have had their pelvis surgically removed)

Aero Tech were one of the few brands I could find that had a good range of plus size options, and that weren't crazy expensive. There are a few popular brands that carry a size or two bigger than xl, but athletic brands are usually the worst offenders at offering token plus sizes, ie where an xxl is like a 14 - and ain't nobody got time for that. These ran me about $40 including shipping, and whaddya know, they fit no problem. Nice high waistband so I don't get any annoying elastic foldover flap action, and they hit just a bit lower than mid thigh. 

The padding definitely feels a bit weird at first, like wearing 3 maxipads, so walking around feels a bit diapery. The padding itself definitely looks weird:

To my twisted brain it looks kinda like Zorak from Spaceghost Coast To Coast:

But on the bike, it feels fine, not really weird at all. Extra padding in the bum area, and the padding extends all the way through the 'frontal region', which is what I was looking for. I tested them out and I can say two thumbs up!

Thanks Zorak!

I suppose I should address the  'omg you're ACTUALLY wearing bike shorts' elephant in the room (so to speak, haha). The last time I wore lycra bike shorts out in the world I was 12 with legs like toothpicks, unironically wearing them with a Fido Dido tshirt and a side ponytail. As a 12 year old in 1988, there was no reason NOT to wear bike shorts.

As a plus-sized 39 year old frump in 2015, lycra bike shorts are meant to be feared like mice or spiders or brazilian waxing. As a girthy lady I'm supposed to obsessively 'disguise' what god gave me with yards of flowy fabric like I'm some kind of wedding marquee on a windy beach. But all those stupid calculations fat people are supposed to do with proportion and how you're 'supposed' to look go out the window on a bike. Comfort is queen. Loose pants or shorts are horribly uncomfortable on bikes. Seams are the worst. Cotton absorbs sweat and feels gross. Breathable fitted bike shorts are suddenly insanely practical.

The other thing is when I began Tour de Frump, I made a deal with myself that how I looked on the bike was not allowed to be a factor. Once I got on the bike, I could be mindful of HOW I was riding, WHERE I was riding, but under no circumstances was OMG I MUST LOOK HIDEOUS allowed to come along for the ride. No glancing at my passing reflection, no mentally withdrawing into my shell every time I heard a car approaching.

That was the thing I remember most about riding last time,obsessing over what I must have looked like, or riding for a while and feeling great and then seeing myself in a window and turning into Yertle the Turtle.  It's like my self image was a giant bunch of balloons tied to the back of my bike. All it did was slow me down.  So I decided nope, no balloons this time. Cut them adrift and let them float off into the sunset.

It's so much easier to ride without dragging all that shit around with me.

I will say that this headspace is something I've been working on for a while now, My newly-acquired mantra is one I learned from the great RuPaul - "What anyone else thinks of me ain't none of my business." It's not an easy place to get to, and not everyone can do it on their own --but just twisting the AM radio dial on the crummy voice in your head that's beating you down is a huge gamechanger.

Okay, that's enough Oprah-ing.

Heatwave predicted for this week -- 108 in Sacramento by Wednesday (ugh). I dunno that I'm crazy enough yet to bike in that kind of heat so I doubt that I'll be hittting the Beautiful American River Bike Trail til later in the week. 

Which reminds me: I forgot to include a picture to show why I'm so in love with the trail. This is from last Thursday's ride. Gorgeous, huh? 

Rest assured, when I do hit the trail again will be with VERY dialed-down expectations. Master Po (my coworker Rob) gave me some excellent advice: he said always keep the ride back to the car in mind, not just the main route. And this, which I think is the best advice: always aim to finish with gas in your tank. He said when you get in your car to leave you should be thinking, ‘I could have ridden further’. So that will be my goal going forward.
 
I'm going to be just like Bill Murray in What About Bob

Frump Out. <3

"I don't know where I'm goin...but I sure know where I've been...."

Alternative title: Code Red ABORT ABORT aahhhhhhrrrgggghhhh

Today I rode the Beautiful American River Bike trail! It was everything I wanted to be. Except for the crazy ending. When I screw up, I do it RIGHT.  

The first thing you should know is that I am terrible at math. I did 5 miles around my neighborhood the other day, right? To me this meant I could now do 5 miles on the Beautiful American River trail.

RONG. A smart person would say start over on a new trail and work your way up again. The terrain is different, you're not used to a lot of hills and gear changes. Well I know that now, and I was majestically, gigantically, Queen at Wembley Stadium wrong. Today I learned from my mistakes. All 987 of them. 

First mistake was leaving the car at work and riding 1/2 a mile downhill to the trail entrance. Smart people know that this means I would then have to ride half a mile UP hill when I was done. When you're not very smart, these kinds of sensible thoughts only occur to you later. It's fun being me. 

The trail itself was AWESOME. I've been raving about wanting to ride it for a reason. It's so beautiful and scenic and quiet. I used to work in a building right next to the trail on the shore of Lake Natomas. I loved walking there on my breaks, so riding the trail is a great excuse to go there regularly again.

At first I had a had a grand old time whizzing down hills & practicing my gear changes uphill, it was cool! I literally laughed out loud a couple of times going down hill, it felt so good. I had ridden about 15 to 20 minutes and decided to stop at my favorite picnic bench near my old workplace to have some water & catch my breath a little. That should have been my sign to stop, or maybe take an easier route back to the main road.

Instead I kept going. Big mistake. My plan was to take it easy but when there's a hill at every turn, frumpy old me still has to exert my out of shape ass somewhat, even in a low gear. By the time I hit the final climb to the main road, which was quite steep for me, my breathing was rapid & very heavy so I got off and walked. But as I was waiting for the traffic light, still breathing heavily and sweating, my vision started to swim and go dark around the edges and I was all hmmm yeah think I will sit down on this rock and catch my breath RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Now I was panicking, which wasn't helping the whole slow-down-your-breathing. I drank some water, tried to regulate my breathing and just focused on calming down and pray that I wasn't about to go blind or faint or something really stupid.

This is the part where parking closer to the trail would have made things a lot easier. Instead, I had a long steady climb back to the office ahead of me & there was no WAY I was riding it. 

Just crossing the road was hilarious. Once I had calmed down and was able to get back on my feet again, I gingerly started walking my bike across four lanes of traffic,  and I'm barely halfway across when the green man has turned to flashing red man, and there's a car waiting to turn right and the driver is just staring at me like MOVE YOUR ASS FFS and I wanted to yell THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO WITHOUT PASSING OUT  and I secretly wanted to cry a little bit but I didn't because I'm not a goddamn baby :)

I sat down again after crossing the road and eventually I worked myself up to walking my bike back to the office. I chose a more indirect route with less of an incline & lots of shady grassy spots to sit & rest along the way.  (With all this sitting down I discovered when I got home that I had sat in gum at some point on my adventure. #blessed). You'll be happy to know that I eventually made it back to the car.

So that was my first day on the Beautiful American River bike trail. Fun, huh? 

I know some nice kindhearted people will say don't beat yourself up (and I know some people are laughing their ass off at me) but I think a little bit of reprimanding is called for, because shit got kind of extreme for a moment there. And it didn't have to. I am an unfit frumpy lady. I need to work up to that level of exertion -- I'm not ready for prime time yet and I know it! I could have avoided that whole dramatic finale by being just a little bit smarter. Sure, it's great to want to do this for fun but there have to be some sensible decisions being made. Who the hell's driving this machine? 
So I will take this experience to heart and learn from my mistakes. 

Lessons:

• HY. DRATE. HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE! Before, during and after. I didn't do much hydrating beforehand which was probably one of my crucial early mistakes. Given the change in terrain, hydrating more beforehand would be wise.
• Eat something sensible. A handful of pretzels half an hour before the ride probably not the best choice. Work on that.
• TAKE IT EASY! Start out slooooooooowly you stubborn noob. Jeez louise.
• Ride an easy part of the trail for a while first. 
• Listen to your body. You're not in the Tour de France, you're in the Tour de Frump so don't push exhaustion.
• When in doubt: stop! Best part of the Tour de Frump is it's not a race, and I can stop whenever I want. 
• Park close to the trail!!!
• Oh and bring a towel next time, Sweaty McSweaterton. 

On a final note, when I got in the car to drive home, I turned on the radio and the tail end of Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again'  was playing on Jack FM. I laughed and turned it up...and THEN...they played it again! It's a robot station, they never repeat songs!!  I had no choice but to take it as a sign. 

Thank you David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen for watching over me. 
OOOH LORD I PRAY YOU'LL GIVE ME STRENGTH TO CARRY ON
BUT I KNOW WHAT IT MEEAAAAAAAANS
TO WALK ALONG, THE LONELY STREET OF DREAMS

Frump Out. <3

Introduction to Tour De Frump + Thrilling "Rest Day" Post

Introduction 

 Welcome to Tour de Frump, a blog where I attempt to convey to you my sweaty & out of shape enjoyment of cycling. (Emphasis on the sweaty.) 

Isn't blogging an oldfashioned thing that old people do? Yes it is, but I am old, Father William, and thus excellently qualified. And what better way to maximize the fewest number of possible readers than blogging now when no-one cares.

Why cycling of all things? Well, I am new to the enjoyment of cycling.  I am not new to cycling itself, however. I rode my bike to and from school for at least 10 years if not more. I hadn't touched a bike in almost two decades when two years ago, on a crazed fitness kick I bought a used bike off Craigslist. I rode it twice, and then it sat, flat-tired and spider-loved in our garage until last Friday.  A sudden burst of inspiration got me dusting-off and de-spidering my bike, and I rode gingerly up and down my street. And then I went for another ride on Saturday. Then again on Sunday, then Monday, then Tuesday. It just kept happening! 

As I was riding (and because I am nothing if not a narcissist) I began posting on Facebook about my progress, which in and of itself I found to be kind of motivating and fun if not boring for the rest of the people looking on (who hadn't unfollowed me). That's where I came up with the name Tour de Frump.  

The blog came about because of my lovely coworker Laura. She said that she and her husband liked reading my Facebook updates about riding and that I should write a blog. And normally I'd think 'Uh huh yep totally will do that. NEVER.'  Because I'm the laziest person on the planet. Any idea that involves me doing something regularly that is not a) eating or b) sleeping is a hard sell for me psychologically. But the compliment stayed with me (like I said, total narcissist) and I started thinking that maybe it's not a bad idea. So here I am.

Well, okay then what changed with the cycling thing? Why do you suddenly love it when you didn't like it last time? How is this time going to be any different than 2 years ago? (Why yes I am Katie Couric, and yes I do I love asking and answering my own questions. Get used to it). Enjoyment, I think is the main reason. This time it's purely voluntary, and it's something that is making me happy (well right now, at least).  It didn't make me happy last time. Last time it was a fitness/weightloss albatross around my neck.  Which is what put me off; that and riding in traffic scared the crap out of me. (Still does, as you will see).

But maybe the biggest catalyst for me pulling the bike out of the spider farm is that this is the first year that I've taken an interest the Tour de France. Seeing the pure athleticism and endurance and love for the sport that the riders show (with or without synthetic assistance, yes yes blah blah I know #livestrong etc) --  the Tour has absolutely fed my enthusiasm to get out and ride a bike this time around. My coworker Rob is a cycling nut (term of endearment) and he has been wonderful to geek out with; I've learned a lot about the sport from him just in the last couple of weeks, and he has inspired my enjoyment so much - the Master Po to my Caine (but alive, not murdered and seen only in flashbacks...nevermind, you get what I mean).  My other added inspiration is my new favorite rider, Slovakia's Peter Sagan. He is very handsome and is kind of a nutbar and is ahem very motivating ... 

...and ridiculously good at riding bikes, I mean watch this video holy christ

Peter Sagan Bombs Down a Mountain

Right? 

So without further ado: Ladies and Gentlemen, meet my ride: This is Freya, my Giant Cypress Hybrid  (sorry for the blurry snap):

Freya is so named for the Viking goddess & giant who was seven times as tall as the tallest man, and yknow, my bike being a Giant and all, the named seemed fitting #nerd

Tour de Frump is devoted to my learning to love cycling. My goal is enjoyment, period. If weight loss and fitness come along as a result, that is a nice side-bonus. But enjoyment is my most important focus, and on a daily/weekly basis, I'll be reflecting on this - am I enjoying myself? How could I enjoy myself more?  Along with other questions like: How sweaty am I? Could I be sweatier? How much lycra is too much?

So, onto my first update. 

REST DAY

 Today was originally planned to be a riding day but turned into a Rest Day due to unforeseen circumstances ie me being comically unable to fit my bike in the back of the car. Have I told you I’m hilarious?

My brilliant plan was so perfect, so simple:   “Oh I’ll throw the bike in the back of the car and then after work I’ll go ride the beautiful American River Bike trail”.

It was doomed from the start. I went to bed late, which meant I woke up late, which meant I was not in the mood for any tomfoolery of any kind…including waking up. Even putting down the seats and getting the bike out of the garage was pissing me the hell off… it was clear this was not going to go well. I lift up the bike and put it in the car. And move it around. And move it around some more. And swear. Something pings and something scratches my arm and something pokes me and I shove the bike and try to close the rear door. Sad trombone. 

Closing it by force would put the handlebars through the window and or bend the bike… ie throwing a tantrum right now would mean Lucy doing a loooooooooot of splaining. 

I’m already late for work and this shit is taking way too long so I say fuck it. Yank the bike out of the stupid car and stomp it back to the stupid garage, stomp back to the stupid car and put the stupid seats down and get in the stupid car and drive to stupid work, sans bike. Sans beautiful American River Bike Trail.

I bought the bike used off Craigslist and I clearly remember putting it in the back of the car to get it home. I CLEARLY REMEMBER THIS! On closer inspection throughout the day that clear memory became clearer and may have involved me propping the rear wheel of the bike up on the folded down seat so that I could fit it in the car. Which *ding* lightbulb helped events later in the day. 

Why abandon riding altogether. I could ride after work anyway when I get home… but the whole point of my Beautiful American River Bike Trail idea was to remove the city from my cycling equation. I realized after yesterday's ride around my neighborhood that I don’t like swooshing traffic;  as Grandmaster Flash would say, broken glass EVerywhere;  people can be dicks when they drive; and it's overshadowing my enjoyment. And enjoyment is my new rule.  So if I’m not enjoying myself then I’m going to problem-solve it so that I can enjoy myself. Hence the Beautiful American River Bike Trail idea. *sniff*

So there was no riding tonight. But I made it productive nonetheless. In my four days of riding the catalog of annoying things that need fixing was getting kinda long, so I visited the local bike shop for a repair, an adjustment, and a couple of new toys. 

And yes, visiting the bike shop meant another attempt at loading the bike into the car. And I'm happy to report that Attempt # 2 was a resounding success. My *ding* lightbulb memory of propping up the wheel on the folded seat was all that was needed. AND I didn't break anything AND I barely swore.

Bike Shop Achievements:

• Rear tire had a slow leak -- was losing 10 or so psi overnight, and was getting more and more spongey with each day's riding. So the lovely Bike Boy replaced the tube. 
• Nose of the saddle is pushing into (cough) Her Majesty in an OW repeated OW way, so I asked Bike Boy to tilt the nose of the saddle down slightly. I dunno if it's quite far enough, but I watched him do it so now I can try it myself if it's not quite right. (That pressure in the Her Majesty region could also mean my handlebars may be be too low, but I'm going to sit with the seat change first and see if that makes the difference, rather than adjusting too many things all at once.)
• Gross sticky grips. My grips are gross and sticky. They’re made of spongy material, and when it gets warm my hands stick to them in a really gross way. I have to wash my hands after riding which, ew, no. Bike Boy said that since the bike is used the stickiness is just wear and tear that happens to grips over time - the only solution is replacing them. So I'll add that onto my next to-do list. It's gross but I can live with it for a little while. I don't wanna go too crazy with the $$ yet, it's only my first week.
• Bell! Freya now has a shiny bell. After being belled at semi-regularly while walking on the trail over the years, I'm looking forward to bell-ing others. 
• Water bottle holder! Freya now equipped for mobile hydration! Wee.

 Catalog of Other Things I Want/Need

• Bike shorts. I ordered my first pair of padded bike shorts off Amazon today. Which should be hilarious. I’ve learned that you’re meant to wear them without underwear which skeeves me out but hey, when in Rome with the cycling weirdos you ride commando, apparently.
•  Flashing lights. Definitley high on the importance list. I don’t plan to ride at night but if I get caught at dusk I don’t want to get creamed by a roided out mountain biker.
• Some kind of little mileometer/timer that I can see while I ride. I like metrics. How far? How long? Can I stop now?

Anyway, Stage 17 of the Tour De France is still waiting on my DVR and I've been writing this instead of watching that, so it's time for me to go and see what's up. Geddit? Stage 17 = Alp stage, mountain racing, what's up? I kill me.

Frump Out. <3